Maybe “reason” isn’t the right word. By “it,” I’m referring to The Break-up from a previous post. The reason doesn’t actually have anything to do with him, or why he couldn’t continue the relationship.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in the months since then, about my life and about my future, what I really want my life to feel like, about reconnecting with my power…I must have a faulty switch! I need a good grounded one with a breaker, so I don’t short out again!
So I find myself at the Crossroads of Should and Must (Elle Luna, your article and book rock!). It’s a difficult place to be, and I’ve been avoiding it for some time. My recent bout of that condition called L-O-V-E, was a particularly effective way to dodge my own inner needs. I’ve been creeping toward this intersection for the last several years. This past year or so was nothing but circuitous detours, one after the other. Distractions, side-tracks, avoidance: anything to not address the tough questions.
The Break-up was the jolt I needed.
The relationship was brief, but intense. I had to take time to recover from disappointment, but once I could breathe again, I was forced to reckon with a new future. It wasn’t easy. The future I saw with him was so warm and sustaining, so different from anything I had ever imagined before. The shattering of that fairy tale, the slam back to reality, forced me to finally confront myself: It’s time to stop stuffing my true self into a too-small suitcase locked in a basement. It’s time to live my life!
I thought I was doing that by leaving everything I knew and loved in Detroit and moving to Boston, but that was really only the first step.
I’ve been pacing around the intersection of these roads…sitting cross-legged with my chin in my hands…“Hey look! A squirrel!”…but now I’m finally ready to face my fears and make the life I’ve been aching for, a life completely on my terms.
It won’t be easy, but I’m ready to take it on. No more holding back.
So this crushing disappointment, the loss of my love caused me to remember that trunk I had locked away. It gave me the nerve to open it once and for all, and to embrace what I found there…some long-lost parts of Me.